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====== First Toke ======

The Englishman, er, woman, doffs her hat and leans her cane in the corner
before seating herself next to the Spaniard. Fiddling with some unseen laces,
or unseen *somethings*, certain parts of her body appear to become more...
curved, if anyone were looking. She takes a deep breath. "Ah, *Chinese*
Opium", she says. "That does take me back".

"I say," says another Englishman, "can anyone join in?
It looks like an exclusive party, what, but I've been
*dying* to tell *someone* about my adventures!"

The Englishman is tall, slender and slightly effete,
dressed in an elaborate ruffled shirt that is quite
the fashion in London at the moment. It's not the
fashion in this establishment, though that doesn't
seem to bother him.

His manner suggests "idle aristocracy" and the fact
that his sword gets caught on a cushion as he sits
down does nothing to allay that impression. It's a
wonder he hasn't been beaten up seven times today for
his golden watch.

"[[Earl S_____]]," he says with a grin and a proffered
handshake, "Servant of Her Majesty and employee of the
East India Company, in a troubleshooting capacity."

The scotsman, who was mentioned briefly, but then faded out of everyone's minds again, sits down at the table heavily. Everything about him is heavy, from his beard, to his accent, to the gigantic sword which he has propped beside him. He wears the tartan of [[clan Bruce]].
 
"Aye," he says, "Chinese opium is all very well, but it's highland mist compared to the *Scottish* opium we used to grow. One puff, and everyone around ye feels the effects! They sag around, wear silly clothes, follow nancy-boy kings, and talk in damn silly accents. Sometimes they cannae even see ye. Ye may have noticed."

The Earl winces. "Perhaps, Mr. Bruce, you should reduce your volume
to a civilised level. I understand that in your ancestral halls you
need to shout to be heard over the cattle, but I can assure you that
it is not necessary here." 

The Earl takes an inexpert puff at the hookah, and splutters
mightily. "Aaah, (*coff* *coff*) so this is (*coff* *coff) Chinese
Opium. I confess I cannot see what the (*coff* *coff*) fuss is
about - I think I shall stick to Western vices." 

===== Enter the Duke =====
Entering the haze enshrouded room is an expensively dressed young
man. Of regal bearing and somewhat rogueish manner. The somewhat
unkempt nature of beard and sideburns adding little in the way of
austerity.

Dusting lightly at his silk waistcoat and velvet frockcoat. He is
obviously trying hard not to notice the looks of recognaition from
the lower elements reclining in their sins and smoking their lives
away.

If he had a hat to doff, he would do so as way of introduction.
Fortunately, he brought a servant and lickspittle along for occasions
such as these.

"Patsy?"\\
"Yes, yes M'lord..."

The unhunched dirtily kempt and above all dubiously lurking servant
introduces his master:\\
"[[Duke Peter of Gloucester|The Duke of Gloucester]], gentles, he being known as Peter by 'is
friends and suchlike."

Out of deference to the newcomer's position, the Bruce nods to the Duke in a manner bordering on the churlish. He does not jump up, cleave the man off at the knees, and headbutt the remainder to death, which would appear to be his natural inclination.

The Earl looks around the room.

"Are we all here, then? Perhaps the lady Contessa
would like to request a tale? And by the by, is that
peculiar smell the opium or the Scotsman?" 

[[Countess Barbara of Tango|Contessa Barbara]] turns to the Englishwoman at her right. "Miss
Thimblebelly," she enquired, "I see that you have not yet abandoned your
disguise. Perhaps you could entertain us with the tale of how it is that
you came to incur the wrath of the Beggar's Guild over involving cheese and
why it is that you are restrained by a solemn oath from simply dispatching
potential attackers from that quarter with the efficiency for which you are
known?"

"Ach, a hoon noot ye eefer, ye sassenach"

"If you say so, sir, though I confess to being confused about the
cow.", says the Earl

===== Miss T. sets out on a positively *lovely* day =====
Miss Thimblebelly, having been engrossed in rearranging the contents of her
pockets, namely several shrivelled and grotesquely formed items which *may* be
responsible for adding to the pungency of the room and do not bear closer
examination, glances at the Contessa and mumbles, "Yes yes, the confounded
disguise. It has become rather a bother. The gentlemen's conveniences, for
example, do not even bear thinking about".

She looks up to glare at the Scotsman and the Duke, then gives a start. "Your
Grace, I didn't see you come in", she says, turns slightly and blinks at Earl
S_____ as if noticing *him* for the first time, and waits until the silence of
the room is punctuated only by some heavy yet melodious snoring from the far
side of the door.

"Ahem. If I may be permitted to continue. Entertain, you say, Contessa? Well I
shall endeavour to fulfill your request, though the degree of *entertainment*
you all may derive from this particular tale is as much dependent on your
dispositions, I suspect, as it is on my delivery. Well. It all began", she
says, leaning back against the cushions and waving an arm expansively, "one
fine morning this past spring, in a small village in Dorchester, the name of
which I shall refrain from mentioning.

  * [[Beggar's Guild|Miss Thimblebelly's Tale]]

The current Baron Thistledown orders a glass of sherry, and peers across the
table at Earl S_____. "I heard many tales of your exploits from Rashid, and
hints about many others. The one I am most curious about, however, is the
highly improbable saga of how you came to be employed by a caravan travelling
on the Silk Road and how the special properties of Spotted Owl feathers
assisted you in defusing the Stand-off of Samarkand".

===== The Fabulous Silk Road =====
"Ah, yes. The Silk Road. The Spotted Owl. The Stand-Off of
Samarkand. I remember it all well. 
  * [[The Fabulous Silk Road|The Earl's Tale]]

===== A gust of luck, and a new story asked =====

 The Earl takes the moment to order a selection of Saracen liquors,
which he downs with alacrity.

"But I understand, Sir Bruce, that you are no stranger to the Arctic
Zephyr. Perhaps you could tell me how you came to know this strange
being, and why you took one of Scotland's highest mountains to the
Antipodes in secret, only to return it a week later?"

The Contessa nods her approval at the Earl's accomplishments in the use of feather beds, and turns her attention with interest to Bruce.

"Bravo, your Grace, well told.", says the Duke.

"Oh, aye, I'd near forgotten that," says the Bruce, "it was so long ago. But it set me up for life. Before that I was just wee Angus Drummond, the assistant groundskeeper at [[Arctic Zephyr|Clackmannan]]."
  * [[Arctic Zephyr|The Bruce's Tale]]

"But enough about me, now. I'm parched. How about you tell me what you think of me? What about you, Your Lordship," he asks the Duke, "I know you followed me about for several months when I was trying to beat you to the lost temple of Keekong Dong. I could never ken how ye beat me there, and why you had four geese and a monkey with a small accordian with you instead of your sherpas when you did."

"Therein lies a tale to be told", says the Duke.
"Allow me but a moments contemplation to avail myself of the salient
points - memory being what it is. And I pray it comes close to the
inestimable story with which you have regaled us. Most entertaining
indeed."
The Duke of Gloucester raises his glass in the direction of the Bruce
in appreciation.

===== The Lesser Great Wall of China =====
"It was during one of my famed week long garden parties, if I recall
[[The Lesser Great Wall of China|correctly]]", says the Duke.
  * [[The Lesser Great Wall of China|The Duke's Tale]]


With an air of mystery the Duke eyes the crowd gathered to listen,
before breaking the mood with a burp.

"Your pardon."

"Contessa,", the Duke says, turning to face her, "perhaps you would
care to regale us with the story of how you accidentally caused the
demise of The Five Headed Hydra of Constantinople, and how you
escaped the King's subsequent wrath. "

"One wonders it were killed," muses the Earl, "or did it just look
dead?" 

===== The Tiddlywinks of Constantinopolus =====
"Ah yes," murmers the Contessa, "I had almost forgotten that little incident, coming as it did just before the much more memorable Toothpick Adventure.  Still, it's not a tale I've told before and it isn't without it's own small interest.

  * [[The Tiddlywinks of Constantinopolus|The Contessa's Tale]]

"Most insteresting, Contessa! I do commend you on your success at
this mission.", says the Duke.

----
Go back to [[the exlusive back room of an opium den]]